Because of My Loneliness


Because of my loneliness, I met you.

I couldn’t bear the deafening sound of my own heart breaking, so I looked to you to cover my ears. I looked to you to silence the pain I had been carrying for so long, and I had hoped it would be you that would make it all go away.

Because of my loneliness, I lost myself in you.
I was never used to being on my own. I had lived most of my life involved in one duo or another, be it through friendship or romance. I was rarely alone. The day I met you was the day the person I had worked so hard to become began to retreat. The person I had built up from rock bottom time and time again began to look for the first crack they could slip through.

You were my escape from all of the problems in my life.

Because of my loneliness, I convinced myself you were not that person, even though you relentlessly showed me that you were.
I wanted so badly for our relationship to work out. I had spent so much of my life waiting for someone to fall in love with me that I could not bear the thought of losing what could have been my only chance at true love. I never wanted to say no because I knew what would happen if I did.

Because of my loneliness, I convinced myself that this was what people who loved each other did.

Because of my loneliness, I gave everything to you, but it wasn't enough.
I still cannot shake the way you make me feel.

Because of my loneliness, I always blame myself.
My loneliness reminds me that if I wasn’t so difficult to love, I would not be alone right now. It makes sure I understand that every failed relationship is no one’s fault but my own. There is always something that I could have done differently or said better. Somehow, I always manage to ruin everything.

Because of my loneliness, I have convinced myself that no one will ever love me as much as you did.
My loneliness chastises me for ever letting you go, as it will be impossible to find someone else willing to put up with all of this. I am the one who is difficult to love, and I am the one who should have been more open, less anxious, less angry, more fun. I just should have been more.

Because of my loneliness, I cannot help but feel inadequate. Incomplete. Broken.

Because of my loneliness, I have seen what happens on the days when the light won’t come out. But because of my loneliness, I have learned that sometimes you have to be the light. Sometimes you are the only good thing in a bad day, and sometimes that has to be enough to get you through to the other side of your pain.

Because of my loneliness, I have found my strength.
I am whole, even when it tries to tell me I am broken.
I am here, even when it tries to tell me I should leave.
And I am fighting, even if it tells me I have already lost.